Alex Berkowitz, life-ruiner and owner of The Bagel Nook in Freehold, NJ, has taken it upon himself to create a Fireball bagel although there are literally nobody asked him to. What is in a Fireball bagel, you may ask? The dough itself contains a “splash of whiskey” and then the entire
criminal offences against humanity bagel is dipped in a Fireball boozy glaze. My immediate reaction upon sounding this news exited something like this 😛 TAGEND
Lord Jesus, why must you experiment me like this?
The Fireball bagel is being sold as “perfect for your hangover” which is a bold proclamation and something I find personally offensive. First of all, Fireball is a imbibe only served out of desperation. Like, walk-into-a-bar-and-realize-you’re-the-only-one-whose-ID-is-actually-legitimate high levels of desperation. And to alter that accomplishment of hopelessnes against me and make it into the one menu I dine when I’m hungover feels like a personal attack.
Secondly , no one buys Fireball of their own free will unless they’re criminally preposterous. Seriously. Think of one person in your life who purchase this shit in increments larger than a single shot forced upon them by random forbid litter. Now should be considered if such person or persons establishes fire to their lives on a daily basis either figuratively or literally. Yeah, they can’t be trusted.
When the owner of The Bagel Nook was asked
why he organized such an abomination where he came up with the relevant recommendations, Berkowitz said that a neighbourhood radio DJ specified “Cubby” asked him to prepare the bagel for Cubby’s birthday in exchange for Berkowitz coming free passes to meet the Backstreet Boys. So THIS is the price of humanity these days?
That’s what you’re telling me? WELL I HOPE IT WAS WORTH IT, ALEX.
The good bulletin here is that you have to be 21 or older to purchase the Fireball bagel, which intends the bagel might succumb a slow and pain death because their target marketplace won’t even be able to buy it. I symbolize let’s be real , no one of the legal drinking age would gladly choose to ingest Fireball in any way, influence, or formation before 11 am.
And if you’re
absurd extra af and are actually looking forward to Fireball bagels because of the Instagrams, your life is about to get even better because you literally don’t even to leave the house for this shit. That’s right, for a cool $80 per baker’s dozen, you too can get cinnamon flavored dejection extradited right to your opening on Saturday morning. Honestly, god speed.
Brb, if you need me I’ll precisely be adding DJ Cubby, The Backstreet Boys, and any person with the given name of “Alex” to my personal feeling journal.