‘Are You The One?’ Recap: It’s A Leotard, You Ignorant Slut

We’re back for another episode of that will hopefully have a match-up liturgy, unlike the last occurrence. Between Ryan Devlin’s inexplicable disappearance and the absence of rafter ritual thing, this season is disillusioning me.

AT THE HOUSE

Audrey is like “this house is so enjoyable !!! It’s best available !!! ” Sweet, stupid Audrey. In a few weeks this will be her personal hell.

Malcolm tells Shad about how he made out with “Pocahontas, ” aka Nurys, and invites him for advice, which seems like blind people leading the mentally incompetent, if you ask me.

Clinton is like, “Our lord and savior says we should not referee others, but I belief Jesus can agree that Malcolm is shaded, and I’m better than him.” Preach.

There is always one person on this demo whose articulation represents me wishes to stick screwdrivers in my ear containers and this year that enunciate belong to Geles. You recognise you can breathe through your mouth right?* cough coughing* you nasally bitch* coughing*

Geles is talking to Anthony like I talk to my dog–“You’re such a good son, so well behaved !!!! ” They are getting to know one another, and Anthony is like, “I’ve never cheated on anyone, it’s fucking crazy, blah, ” and Geles is like, “OH I FUCK EVERYONE.”

GELES : I like tending all the time, and if he takes three minutes to use the bathroom, I’m going to fuck his best friend.

Anthony and Geles kiss and she’s like, “Should I tell my grandparents about us? Do you prefer a springtime wed or a sink marry? ” Is this wedding going to take place before or after you shadily pass train on all of Anthony’s sidekicks behind his back?

ME AT GELE’S AND ANTHONY’S WEDDING :

Joe and Malcolm are like, “We should hurl “states parties “! ” and Joe’s virgin ass is like, “I KNOW JUST THE THEME”–and that’s how they end up having a raider themed gathering. Joe, if selling utensil doesn’t work out for you, you may have a career in planning toddler’s birthday parties. What’s next? themed?

Suddenly they all have fuckin’ Jack Sparrow dress? What is the jam-pack inventory MTV provides for this show? Deodorant, underwear, PEG LEG AND PUFFY WHITE SHIRT.

ALL THE MEN IN THE HOUSE :

Jada is like, “Clinton could be my child father! Clinton could be my husband! ” I like how child daddy comes firstly. Jada, you should ask the Kardashians to adopt you. You seem to have similar priorities.

Everyone is like, “Where is DD? ” and she’s like, “I’M GOING TO MAKE A FASHION STATEMENT !!!! ” Bitch, everyone is in vests and look spots. Like, you really think someone is going to be like, “OMG great outfit! ” They are for real trying not to throw up on their phony hooks.

Jada obtains a great route to break the ice with Jesus-freak Clinton: personnel him into a lap dance! Jada tested, God approved. While Jada aggressively shakes her ass on Clinton, conducting him into desire( ayeeee, prayer nonsenses ), Uche is sitting there in a fucking wench clothing like “this blows.” Great party, Joe!

DD apparently decided to pas hummed her whole outfit and is making eternally to get the fuck down to the party. Nurys is like, “Okay DD, take your time, I’m going to grind on your man.” Don’t are wrong , not a fan of such an approach, but like, wtf DD? Did you go out and revolved the yarn yourself? Get downstairs, you delusional betch.

Malcolm and Nurys start making out right as DD opens the area, wearing a highly slutty onesie with fishnets. Somewhere in the distance you can listen Joe yell, “THAT DOESN’T EVEN MATCH THE THEME! ”

DD gets mad and makes off her three-hour prepared clothing and get outside to crusaded a punching bag. Takes one pilates class and unexpectedly remembers she’s Ronda Rousey.

Tyler is trying to get out of the friend zone by making use of pasta for the girls, which seems like a pretty good start. He’s apparently really into Nicole’s sees, because, “They are like the atlantic provinces and[ he misses] to swim in it.” All privilege, Nicolas Sparks.

Kareem is like, “I like Alivia and she’s hot, but my coincide needs to be more than hot.” Wow, how fucking profound and noble of you to want to date person that is “hot, but also MORE.” You’re certainly a martyr for the cause.

Alivia is like, “Kareem is just my nature. He looks like a mobster and there is just something about illegal crime syndicates that is actually roll me on.”

ALIVIA : I understood him and I immediately wanted to come to him on the day of his daughter’s wed, if you know what I mean

Kareem starts having a deep talk with Alivia and she’s like, “That’s cool, but have you assassinated anyone? ”

MATCH-UP CEREMONY

The guys are up firstly, they feed the blackout rule again, Terrence J makes a cringeworthy joke. All routine here.

Obviously, Kareem picks Alivia.

Anthony collects Geles.

Much like the collision Tv support of his namesake, Malcolm are quite in the middle right now. On the one paw, he has Nurys, who is obsessed with him for no good reason, and on the other he has DD, who brings okay-ish inspecting attires and feather-like punches to the table.

DD and Nurys start insisting about DD’s pirate outfit, because that’s certainly relevant. This argument has to be one of the dumbest happens I have ever heard. The reality that, “Listen bitch, first of all, I wore a leotard to the raider gathering , not lingerie, ” is a real quote is extraordinary. I candidly don’t even need to write these summaries anymore.

Ethan is like, “Damn, Malcolm’s an asshole but the girls enjoy him. So whose glitch is that, actually? ” You’re all fucking twits, so let’s not time fingers.

Malcolm picks Nurys, because she “is a go-getter.” And it’s like, dude that’s a congratulate you earmark for someone working on at a enterprise or at clas , not who is the most willing to suck your dick.

Keith picks, “Alexis, for this week.”

He’s like, “I almost didn’t select you, ” and she’s, “Yeah, fuck you too.” Alexis is my fucking trailer trash queen. We all need friends that impel you feel better about yourself and Alexis is that friend I need.

Joe pickings Zoe to be his first matey.

Michael selects Keyana and they share a awfully staged kiss. She’s like, “I don’t want to say that I’m in love with Michael after 6 days.” And time fucking culminates the convict there. Michael can secrete behind that pimply, far-too-chiseled look, but we all know deep down that he’s freaking the fuck out.

Ethan pickings Jada who immediately talks about how much she would rather be with someone else. SOMEONE LOVE ETHAN, PLEASE.

She says she would rather be with Clinton, but Uche is “fused to one of his dreads.” Okay, as someone who gets get paid to offense people, I gotta say, this is weak. Like DD pierces shaky. Jada I’m not mad, I’m disappointed.

Clinton pickings Uche, fucking obviously.

Terrence J is like, “Hey, Jada is your friend, ” and Uche is like, “No, that was insulting, you don’t treat love like that, ” and Jada departs, “OKAY SNOWFLAKE–I INSULT YOU THREE TIMES ON NATIONAL TELEVISION FOR NO REASON AND SUDDENLY WE’RE NOT FRIENDS? I Envision HOW IT IS! ” Damn, I haven’t met person with this amount of absurd logic since Tomi Lahren had a profession at The Blaze. #tbt

Idk why Jada thinks soft-spoken, bible-thumpin’ Clinton is going to suddenly be into her after the fucking ghetto smack-down she really tried to write down. He’s like, four seconds away from hurling righteous ocean on her and querying her to repent.

JADA : Maybe if I threaten to curb stomp Uche, it will utter prophet Clinton see that we’re a excellent join!

The Shad picks Audrey.

Tyler pickings Nicole.

Dimetri( who is hot and under-utilized) is with DD.

Shockingly, they get no blackout and aren’t entirely fuck-ups yet.

They end up with three radiations, which is good for them, but bad for me. Success never bodes well in the recapping business.

BACK HOME

DD is still remain convinced that she and Malcolm are a equal, because she’s going to impel Malcolm “a better party, ” which I’m certainly betting on, because that always works.

Michael is like, “I get into serious relations really fast, ” as he damn near proposes to Keyana. I think we need to address the real question here–Is Michael a live activity Johnny Bravo? Why are his muscles so large but everything above his neck is determined like a chode?

Keith is wondering if he likes Alexis or Zoe more. There are only so many basic grey girlfriends make their own choices, and he needs to know that he’s picking the perfect spouse to attend the next Toby Keith concert with him. Influence is on.

THE CHALLENGE

Keith goes to the challenge in a USA crop top and jorts. Alexis’ lily-white rubbish secretion is feelin’ the heat right now, and she’s like, “If he had some boots on, we’d be going to the next Donald Trump rally together and concluding sugared, sweetened AMERICAN BRED love.”

The challenge is for the busters. They have a cluster of balloons set up on an archery route. The guys will shoot their arrows at a balloon that has one of the girl’s “goals” on it, and whoever the balloon discloses, that’s your date.

I say “goals” in paraphrases, because literally one is “go to a pole dancing class” and that’s not so much better of a objective as it is a Groupon that your sister-in-law told you to buy for her bachelorette party.

Joe’s like, “Which girl is going to be the most likely to fuck me? ” and then he experiences someone whose goal is to be a Playboy bunny and he’s like, “That’ll do, Donkey.”

Shad is like, “I’m from the OC bruh, I’m cool with person wanting to be a real housewife.” Yeah, I’m sure you are. That action you can sit on your ass, boasting the fugly haircut you have, while your hardworking spouse has to throw glass at someone on Tv to bring home the bacon.* mutters* “Selfish bastard.”

Honestly, huge aim. Anyway, he stumbles the balloon and it’s Uche! Weird, okay. Shad’s like, “Wait, who’s Uche? ”

Alexis is like, “KEITH HOW ARE YOU GOING TO SHOOT ANIMALS FROM THE FRONT STEP OF OUR TRAILER IF YOU CAN’T HIT A BALLOON !? ”

Joe touches Alexis’ balloon of has become a Playboy bunny and he’s like “fuuuuuuck yes.” If she fucks her cousins, she’ll certainly fuck him. Meanwhile, Keith is in the corner, unhappily singing, “Lock her up.”

Anthony miraculously comes Geles which is good, because they needed to go into the truth booth like, yesterday. How many spiders died in the making of Gele’s eyelashes? I gotta know. How can she even check out of those happenings without having to cover them to the side like a screen?

Keith soon get over Alexis going on a time and retains there is more lily-white rubbish in the sea and he was able to time Zoe.

Keith, like a fucking twit, tells Alexis that he’s going to hang out with Zoe tomorrow and she flings out while he giggles at her. Damn, I haven’t ascertained her this mad since Obama was inaugurated.

THE DATE

They go on a vehicle journey and Geles is like “I’m nervous” for what? The colt that moves four mph? Girl, all you need to do is rip out one eyelash and you basically have a spears in your hands.

Joe and Alexis are shedding nutrient like two heathens, and Alexis starts flirting and batting her slams a mile a minute. Are you having a stroke? Someone get this hick medical attention! Alexis, what Obamacare-funded insurance provider are you on ?!

Joe requests Alexis about Keith and she’s like, “Fuck that, he’s casually chit-chat with Zoe, so I’m going to make out with you.” And Joe legit throws a table to the storey and establishes out with her.

THE SERVER AT THE RESTURANT WHEN JOE THROWS A TABLE :

While this shit show is all happening, everyone at the house is voting for Anthony and Geles.

Keith and Zoe actually do hang out, and it’s painful. I’ve ever seen two people sit so far apart since Melania and Donald Trump at any demonstrated event.

Keith says he and Zoe have a connection, although there are I’m pretty sure Nicole had a more meaningful liaison with Tyler’s pasta.

TRUTH BOOTH

Terrence J comes in for the truth kiosk and does his usual “fit in with the cool kids” routine.

TERRENCE J :

Joe straight-up is like, “I made out with Alexis, ” and it’s like, damn okay, couldn’t really fucking was of the view that in for a sizzling second? Imagine what he’ll be like when he finally gets laid. Sky writers, sky scribes everywhere.

Keith’s like, “Alexis is a hoe, so that’s various kinds of concerning.” What, you didn’t get that vibe when she fucked you two hours after knowing you?

Anthony and Geles get announced into the truth kiosk, shocking.

They are like, “We’ve known each other for a week and if we’re not a equal, idk what we’re going to do !! ” Probably keep on living, that’s my guess.

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